There’s an English version of the FFXIII trailer and I have to be honest. This does not look like anything I would actually enjoy playing. Maybe all the anime I’ve watched or all the horrible, predictable RPGs I’ve played have made me cynical. Or maybe I’m just a grouch.
0:30 “Dude… I’m totally baked…”
1:04 Pedobear approves of this.
1:20 This had better not be the actual intro of the game.
1:32 Uh-oh, evil white haired dude with Australian accent and Bluetooth headset. He’ll probably be the typical ‘honorable villain’ like Beatrix, Gabranth, or General Leo.
1:33 Oh God. It’s Vaan.
1:45 So glad they changed ‘Optima Change’ to ‘Paradigm Shift.’ Still not a fan of the explosion of numbers that occurs in every attack. When I attack, I want to see exactly how much damage I dealt, not do math.
2:33 Ifrit is a Hot Rod. Get it? Hur hur hur.
2:38 What is this Transformers/Mario Kart bullshit?
2:50 Lightning wields some pretty big swords. Also, what’s with the zippers on the horse, Nomura?
2:58 Also see: “Sorceresses have knights” and “Summoners have guardians.”
3:10 Wait. Lightning is totally not a female version of Cloud. For one, she’s talking about her feelings and motivations.
3:35 Glasses chick has huge boobs.
3:52 Vaan speaks!
3:58 Whoa! His dad is a dude from Xenosaga!
4:13 Giggity.
4:20 “Watch me hack at this metal thing with my sword with anger!”
4:26 “It worked!”
5:02 “Not so fast! Time for a boss battle in my weird Pokemon-shaped aircraft!”
5:05 Matra Magic!
5:11 Shirtless Snow. And so… a million fangirls begin writing their yaoi fiction.
5:26 “Hey, weren’t you a villain in Kingdom Hearts?”
5:45 Lightning makes a startling discovery: “WE ARE ALL PETS!”
6:00 Honorable suicide? The game’s cultural roots begin to show itself.
6:18 Note to JRPG scenario writers: nobody cares that these heroes are searching for their purpose.
6:20 Emo Snow is emo.
6:25 Overreact much?
6:30 Now who is this hottie? Evil behind the scenes? Final boss?
6:50 “Promise me… you won’t resurrect me later… and ruin the gravity of this cut-scene…”
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